Linking up with The Lounge with the theme, "What did you think you would be better at by now?"
Well, don’t just start with the hard questions The Lounge! If you had started with “What did I want to be when I grew up?” that would be much easier. But alas, you threw a curve ball and threw it hard!
I remember being a child and thinking I was going to be
better at almost everything. You name it and I was going to be better than
anyone else at it. It’s fair to say I was a dreamer as a child. Every child should
have dreams. I couldn’t narrow mine down to one.
As I grew older, dreamer became idealist and I was always
focused on the next thing. The ‘when I’ way of thinking. You know, when I lose
weight I will be more attractive. When I have clear skin, I will feel better.
When I get my degree, I will be happier. It’s that unrealistic attainment of
something happening and things will be better than they are now.
I think that’s why I thought by now I would be better at
having the confidence to be me. Accepting myself, flaws and all. As I rapidly
approach 37, it’s not like this has suddenly come about. I have always
struggled to accept myself. It’s called a lack of self confidence and what a
mother fucker that thing is!!!
Being confident in my own skin. It’s a brutal battle between
me and confidence. The older I get, the more I seem to win. Lately, I have won
more times than I have lost. Some battles are just plain bloody and full of
desperation to allow a mere shred of confidence to shine through. Some battles
aren’t even battles. It’s like confidence showed up in its armour and killed
everything around it. It’s those times when I am full of confidence that I am comfortable
being me. However, it’s the times when I don’t have to battle that I get ahead
of myself and think it’s not really an issue at all. Clearly, the universe
never likes this approach and sends me something to send me back to reality. It’s
then I realise I still have a bit of work to do on this confidence thing.
I always hoped confidence would land in my lap. Kind of like
my prince charming. Plonk and confidence is there. Not sort of there, not half
there, but 100% fully there. But really, if confidence was 100% there, then
that wouldn’t give me any challenge now, would it?
As they say, it’s the journey not the destination. When I
look back, I am proud of me. Proud of the obstacles that I have encountered and
survived. Proud of what I have learnt about myself. I have become a better
person for what I have experienced.
With each experience I learn a bit more about me. With each
experience comes a little bit more confidence. It’s each experience that
awakens a bit more inside of me. It’s these experiences I should be grateful
for. To quote Eckhart Tolle,
A New Earth:
Awakening to Your Life's Purpose:-
“Life will give you
whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.
How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience
you are having at the moment. “
One day I will get there. One day I will have the confidence
to be me. Until then, I will have plenty of new and rich experiences to enjoy.
What experiences have you found most valuable in
understanding you?
Good luck on your journey to being ok with you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up with us at The Lounge
I agree that with time and the older I get, the more I seem to win the confidence battle. But I STILL fall into the "WHen I lose weight, everyting will be better" or "have more money", "Move somewhere else" "Have a better job" stuff. ARGH! It's a difficult road that is fo sho!
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